Posted by: Monkey | June 17, 2014

Some things can’t be fixed

I was attending the graduation speech at Naropa university in Boulder, Colorado. Pema Chodren was giving a speech to the graduates when she said something that struck me, hard.

“Some things can’t be fixed, they happened and can never be undone.”

broken8

Stopping to consider this phrase had me take a deep breath and a painful peek at myself. How many things had occurred in my life that I wished hadn’t? And how much was I holding on to some possibility that I could find some way to reverse these things?

I discovered that there was a lot. That huge portions of my attention was oriented towards fixing aspects of myself and my past. Parts of my physical body, parts of my love history, parts of my life choices all wanted to be fixed and done over.

Now having returned from what was, to me, a turbulent journey in the USA where many of my inner demons took the opportunity to come out and play I am seeing that there are more things I am sitting with wishing that I had chosen some other direction and resulted in some other outcome than this one I am having now.

These decisions, these ‘wrong’ turns cannot be unmade. I cannot go back and choose again I am where I am because of the intentions behind the choices I made when I made them. This is karma. The repercussions of my intention behind my actions. My actions at the time, I can see now in retrospection, were reactive. An unconscious and, I think, unhealthy pattern crept in and took over and as a result I made choices that I do not think were aligned with my highest values. It’s a regular pattern and it has shown up repeatedly in my life in various forms and guises.

FlyOnShit2As I dwell on the feelings resulting from seeing that I made choices that I see now as being wrong turns, I notice several responses arise within me.

Firstly is a voice that finds reasons for why it’s ok, that justifies and placates the decisions by finding fault with the conditions around my choices. This is the voice that was loudest while making the choices and when I look more deeply I don’t trust this voice. Even though it hurts to acknowledge the anger and regret I feel knowing that I deviated from the way I most desire to walk, I am reluctant to soothe that away. By doing so keeps this voice alive, it gives it the fuel to continue to pop up and sabotage the show in it’s drama loving ways. Wallowing in the hurt, however, equally feeds this aspect as our unhealthy ego-mind loves suffering. It is drawn to unnecessary suffering like flies to shit and will nudge us in the direction for the creation of suffering. Repeatedly.

The next voice is the New Age and Spiritual voice that often say things like “everything happens for a reason” and “things worked out the way they were meant to”. I find that I am equally as suspicious as this voice. In some way this is also placating, it is an excuse for our unhealthy ego-mind to create as much havoc as it likes all in the guise of “it was meant to be”.

What if the truth is that things actually happened because I indulged the unconscious self. What if in those moments it is more that I aligned myself with an unhealthy set of values such as trying to be the person that I think will have me be attractive in a way I most desire? Rather than being moved by a higher intention to serve the evolution of consciousness on the planet. This intention doesn’t care how I am seen and to be aligned with an intention such as this would not create any repercussions of suffering.

So whenever I suffer it is that my intention has become self-serving and driven by an unhealthy ego. The choices made from this place will inevitably lead to a karmic outcome that is less than desirable. The solution here is to go in and find the patterns. Find the unhealthy voices and their intentions and remove them from our attention. As we shine the light of awareness into the dark places in our mind we see them and when we know where they are we can choose to move our attention towards that which truly serves our evolution. The unhealthy aspects of mind wither and fall away if we refuse to feed them.

Some things can’t be fixed yet if we are diligent, intentional and unwavering we can change the outcomes of tomorrow, today.

How committed are you to your own awakening? How ready are you to live a life free of suffering and drama?

For me I cannot see any other point of being alive.

spiritual-awakening


Responses

  1. Seems so simple, but I have wasted large chunks of my life on trying to fix the unfixable. Nowadays I am less plagued by what I have already broken than I am fearful of what I’m about to screw up.

  2. Beautifully and clearly expressed; I am writing this from one of those painful places, both metaphorical and literal (I am in a hotel environment that I don’t prefer and could have avoided had I not been hijacked by a karmic pattern that appears when I travel and make plans…). While one night in a hotel seems trivial in the grand scheme of things, the underlying process that led me here, and that shows up in other areas of my life, has been a tough one to dismantle. I am trying to find compassion for myself rather than allowing blame and shame to take over…commenting here seems to be helping, so thank you for posting! And, at the current point of your life, you might believe certain decisions were wrong turns, and in 20 or 30 years time you might have a different perspective, or you might not even be thinking in those terms. Blessings to you.

  3. “What if in those moments it is more that I aligned myself with an unhealthy set of values such as trying to be the person that I think will have me be attractive in a way I most desire? Rather than being moved by a higher intention to serve the evolution of consciousness on the planet. ”

    This part hit home for me. I am currently looking at my own choices that have brought me pain and how and why I chose to create that pain and recreate it in any moment by dragging the past into now. By rehashing aspects of relationship that I mourn for. Wanting ‘what is’ to be more pleasing… wondering how I can change my participation towards a different outcome.. and then catching myself and expending huge amounts of energy to come to present again. Working hard not have my energy be out in front of me, seeking, but in the now version of me, in my body. It takes diligent work to maintain balance when the ego portion of me clings to unhealthy aspects of relationship that is based on potential or the past, just to get a glimpse of feeling seen. The wise parts of me knows better. Cycles of abandonment become difficult to chose away from when there is nothing there to fill the void if I walk away completely. It’s not even a lot of relationship, it’s a small one at this point. But the effect of it’s disintegration over the months reawakens the parts of me that feel isolated, alone, disconnected and unseen. I remind myself that these items are not due to the relationship itself but to my own old patternings, ego wants and desires and possibly unfulfilled fantasy of intimate connection. That’s where confusion sets in for me. Is it ego and past unresolved pain or is it simply that I am a sensitive soul looking for intimate connection in this world? I would love to shift my focus towards balancing my internal me, focusing in the direction of evolving consciousness… and yet… difficult to choose that while feeling intense feelings. Struggle for balance.. do great for a week or two.. fall back down. I am looking for the button that reads, “Access to Consciousness” so that I can press it in, hard.


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