Posted by: Monkey | June 3, 2012

The Cliff

He stood on the cliff staring outwards, looking but not seeing as the ocean swelled and crashed sending white sprays into the air as it met the rocks in moments of violent collision.
The wind whipped his hair around his face yet he was unconcerned, transfixed by the vast sea of blue before him and his own personal thoughts and feelings swirling in his mind and heart.
For his heart was broken, broken into a million pieces and then more. It was now dust, dust that would have been blown away in a single puff had he thrown it into the air in the gust that whipped around him. He had put everything he could into his life and yet it still seemed pointless. No matter how much he gave he still walked through life largely unnoticed, easy to meet and easy to forget. How desperately he cried and craved inside for someone to see him in his fullness to notice him for the person he was and not the act he felt he played for the sake of fitting in. Even as he acted it felt empty and he wasn’t very good at it and so never really fit in anywhere anyway, at least not for long.
As he stood he knew in his mind that the reality that unfolded for him was the product of his own heart, that the feelings of isolation and loneliness were merely a perception and not necessarily a reality. That maybe there were those who saw him and loved him and yet somehow this deeply held belief perpetuated his experience, that he was unlovable and that anyone who truly came to know him would eventually be pushed away, that no-one would ever want to stay with him. And so usually he would pre-empt what he felt would be the eventual outcome and push people away early, or disappear and hide from connecting too deeply. He felt he was unlovable and so he did not allow any to love him.
As these thoughts danced across his mind his eyes began to moisten and left salty streaks as the tears rolled freely down his smooth cheeks. The memory arose unbidden, his first ever feelings of attraction for another in primary school. He remembered how excited he felt when he looked at her, like electricity coursing through his body and warm heat in his belly. He remembered the awkwardness and shyness he felt when he wanted to tell her, and how he had resorted to the anonymous note in her locker… and the wound that ripped open in his heart when she had discovered it was him who had written the note and she had looked at him with open disgust and revulsion. The demons that had come into existence at that moment that would forever plague him afterwards and until this moment, those demons whispering in his ear that he was nothing… a rotten thing and destined for nothing other than a life of being shunned or ridiculed. That the love he so desperately wished for, wished to share would be forever beyond him. And even when he found someone who seemed to love him (even though now upon reflection an awareness had bloomed that in some ways he had tricked her, had seduced her by hiding that parts of him that most wanted and needed love, the parts that would inevitably and always make themselves known through the drama they produced) and in the end the result was the same: loss, pain and hurt and the perpetuating thoughts that he is to be forever rejected, forever misunderstood, forever hidden. That the world could never, would never accept him in his fullness.
He loved her. With whatever twisted capacity he had for love in his heart, he loved her.
And now she was gone… just another rejection in a world filled with rejection and in the end it was no different than the girl in primary school. That he had begun to reveal himself more and more to her and even though she had asked to know him more, the consequence of this knowing was isolation. Again.
He could still hear the echo of her words, the words that hurt. Misunderstood for sure, yet it did not lessen the blow that he felt when they left her lips.
“Who am I?” he softly asked himself.
“Am I these distorted beliefs about love and life that fill my heart?
Or am I this urge to feel connected, to love and be loved with everything there is?
Does my beloved exist out there waiting for me somewhere? If she saw me, how would she feel if she saw all of me… shadow and all? Would I have to hide myself from her like I do from almost everyone else? Am I capable of allowing another to love me?”

The thoughts faded away and he was left only with the feelings they had awakened within him. In a single moment the crash of the surf on the rocks came roaring back, the sensation of wind blowing against his body and the seemingly endless expanse of waving water filling his eyes. His senses once again tuned into the external expression of his existence.

And he jumped.

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Responses

  1. Wow… I feel helpless as My friend is suffering

  2. to have a broken heart is to be truly human…but one can only lo
    ve when one does not expect anything in return….anyway, when one reach rock bottom, there is only one way to go, and it is up!
    Light up Damien and come and experience India with your old dad, you never know what you will find there…

  3. I am wondering what does the leap off the cliff mean to those of you who read it? Is it a leap into freedom or despair? Is it an act of destruction or liberation? Or something else?

  4. It hopefully means we don’t have to listen to any more of your self absorbed tripe…

  5. Good point.

  6. I was looking for photos of people jumping off cliffs and accidently came upon your blog and enjoyed this piece of writing. For me at this point, jumping from the cliff means freedom – taking a chance on life, knowing that ultimately we will be caught in the net of wonder that supports us.
    all the best on your journey

  7. Hey Caroline, thanks for your comment 🙂 …yes that is what it meant for me too.

  8. The leap meaning (as I see it) : Leap into life without fear, choose to feel all thats offered, even if it’s only going to last a minute. A choice to embrace the unknown and except that it will be worth it. A choice to love yourself, grow, feel all emotions, and experience everything, even the darkness, leads to light, or to feel light that leads to darkness is still worth the light.

  9. Thanks Becky… yes the leap into all of that which is the human experience. Light and dark.


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