Posted by: Monkey | February 21, 2013

It’s all good… even when it’s not

I am writing this in an airport just moments after I had the inspiration to write it. I am in a mood right now, a dark grumpymood and these have been few and far between in my world of late. I want to write this right now as I am feeling the seething anger lying under the surface of my stony face framed by the dark rings under my eyes showing I haven’t slept enough of late.

I would love any excuse to lhulkash out at someone, I would love to yell and rant and blame someone for something… unfortunately in my world I don’t know if there ever is an excuse for lashing out at another and definitely there is no-one to blame for anything, ever. To blame is to be a victim and I am not a victim of my life.

I continuously work to accept, appreciate and embrace what is as it is as it unfolds. Life is what it is and rising up in indignation or lashing out at the world around us does little to change that, usually it only makes things worse or at the very least makes us feel worse. I feel what I feel because it is what is required for me to feel. There is no changing our circumstances no matter how unpleasant they are. Life happens as it happens and the more I can get on board with that, the more I can enjoy my life whatever is going on.

These are my last few moments here in Thailand after over six years of living here. I have been traveling all day from an island that I left this morning where I had stopped to visit a friend, just to get to this airport and then continue my travel all night. My skin is uncomfortable and still a little sore from the sunburn I got by being out all day in the sun a couple of days ago. I am tired, so very tired from a little partying and from still recovering from a stomach illness I suffered all of last week, which was awful as it was the week I had to prepare everything to leave. As such there are many small details I missed which cannot be rectified. My face is itchy; I need a shower and a shave. My guts feel unsettled from the poor food choices that have been available to me today. I just paid a ridiculous amount to use the internet and print off my ticket for the flight, accidentally printing an extra page which cost too much also. The list goes on and on… and every single thing on it is the result of one of my own choices. There is no-one else to blame, and I don’t even have to blame myself. To blame is to be lame, it is to hinder myself in the face of what is actually going on… it is a rejection of the very life I am living and I choose to live it all and feel it all, even when it’s not going the way I want it to.

I am alone, nobody is sending me off and nobody is calling my phone to tell me goodbye. Again as I look back I see the choices I make I can see how they led to this place where I am right now. I feel red raw and the ecstatic joy and beaming love of life I felt deeply in my heart the past few months seems but a distant memory.

And yet despite it all, despite the anger and frustration, despite the sadness as I reflect on the relationship that didn’t work here which led me to finally decide to leave this country, despite the fear I am having on heading back to the west after so many years, despite the lonliness that there is no-one here right now sending me off and hugging me and telling me not to go that they will miss me… despite all of that and more… there is a part of me silent and at peace, watching and gently smiling, even chuckling at my internal drama. I have done a lot of work to get to a place where I can keep my drama internal as opposed to slopping out all over my external reality in the irreparable way that drama tends to have.

I am in awe of the human organism, of consciousness that allows me to experience all of this… all of these complex feelings and thoughts and this life which is so unusual and extra-ordinary, yet how often do we stop to look around and think about that. The very chair I am sitting in, the very building I am in and the fact that I am going to step onto a machine that will fly through the air… is an incredible miracle! Even myself and all the cells and atoms and… stuff… that make me up and the thoughts and the… and the… and the…

How could we ever take something so completely incomprehensible seriously?

Reflecting on this statement I can pause and take a breath and smile even in the turbulence of my own inner storm.

For the storm always passes and the sun never seems to shine quite as beautifully as it does after a storm.

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Responses

  1. I love your blog – hope you had a safe journey back to the west! 🙂

  2. Hi Roberta thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. I am new to your blog, and totally blown away by your beautiful awareness! It is refreshingly inspiring, and I look forward to following you on your journey….thanks for giving!!!

  4. 🙂 Thank you Melinda I really appreciate that!

  5. I hope you had a safe journey home and looking forward to continuing our conversations from your different place in the world. I hope you know that I continue to love your openess, vulnerability and wisdom. XXXXXXXXXX

  6. I just came over here from Elephant Journal wanting to tell you how incredibly sexy that article you wrote for them was and how it landed in my lap at just the right time. I then find your blog post from today and that last line up there. 🙂

    I think you’re dead on. The more you acknowledge and sit with those not so pretty emotions, the more space you give yourself to live with them. And each experience we have like that just creates more authenticity and happiness which, in turn, helps open our hearts even more.

    Thank you for the words….and safe travels.

    Namasté,
    Jen

  7. I was also led here after reading the Elephant Journal article. You seem to be nailing it – life, that is. Carry on…and I’m glad to be following along with you on this path. 🙂

  8. i hope your sun is shining today. there is much beauty to be seen in the light. rest well, feast healthfully and stretch out the kinks!

  9. Also found you on Elephant Journal..you are a brilliant writer…keep it up.

  10. Hooked on your blogs, Thanks so much for sharing 🙂 I know this is over a year old but I’ve just met these posts. I’ve got lots more to read 🙂 Really enjoy that many of your ideas are much like my own, sad to say but sometimes I feel like everyone needs to think the same way. I am working on being more excepting of others at the moment, very stuck on wishing people would listen or be more thoughtful, truthfully I wish everyone would be more like me. As I said much work to be done, the first step I’d imagine was realizing that I have work to do everyday on myself. Thanks again, your most inspiring 🙂

  11. Thanks Becky… I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my musings.


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