Posted by: Monkey | November 1, 2013

Beyond Socialized Sex



As I lie staring out the window at the vista of trees, birds chirping and the very first stirrings of the cicadas for the morning, my mind swirls coalescing and relaxing.

In the moments of focus and attention it returns again, as it has so often recently, to the question of sex and my sexuality.

Something had changed a while ago and I have sat and been in the not knowing what it was. The resulting confusion, fears and awkwardness that arose as my sexuality shifts into something new. It makes sense that this would be happening as my whole being is drawn to growth. Vibrating and humming, shaking loose of the ties that held me at the time useful and now restricted. Those important elements must be drawn up to match the body of development happening within me and sex is absolutely one of them.

Sex is a huge juggernaut within the human psyche. It is the source of endless creativity that has created empires, fought wars and driven human advancement at every level and it moves us all in one way or another. Its power is impossible to deny.

So what has culture and society taught me about sex?

That sex is a status, sex proves our desirability and acceptance into society. Sex is the source of our self-worth and so on.
If we aren’t getting some, then some-thing is probably wrong… right?

As a man I’m supposed to be wanting sex constantly, thinking about it constantly. That the numbers, both the number of women I’ve fucked and the hotness (on a scale of 1-10) of the woman, matters (at least to my male peers). I’m supposed to want sex this way or that way, depending on what group of people I’m hanging out with.
As a woman I imagine the details are different yet the impulse is the same. What does society tell you about sex?

All of this is the socialised mind hard at work. When we live in this space of gaining our meaning and purpose from others then what we value is dictated by those around us. Fitting in is the most important aspect of living and we may be so entrenched in this need to fit in that the question of what do we truly want at any given moment never actually surfaces.

And I discover that this is no longer satisfying to me. My whole being resists every single external impetus that tells me who I should fuck, when I should fuck and how I should fuck. Suspicion for any and all impulses permeates my self and the course of action arising is to withdraw. To let the dust settle into a new dawn where the choices made are self-authored and from within I decide how, who and when (with enthusiastic consent of course).

It’s scary, exciting and liberating.

Shackles of society falling away to find myself in a desert alone with a compass and a handful of maps chartered by those brave pioneers who have gone before me.


Sorry Louis, as much as I love you and find you hilarious… there is more than the simple crass urge you describe and there is a beyond that is free from the ignorant impulse that has us crying out “PUSSY” (in big pink letters).
The thing is we just gotta reach for it, do a lot of inner work and become suspicious of all that the world tells us.

Yeah only that.




  1. You have talent and courage, and you are articulating issues with which most of us tangle, but which not all of us possess the capacity to effectively articulate. You strike me as one of the journalists of the Journey. Inspired, grounded writing from a generous vision. No matter how hard life gets for you, please do not surrender your hard-earned personal power, your authenticity, your strength, your identity for any reason. Others less anchored in themselves, others who feel fragile, misunderstood, undervalued will keep looking to human beings like yourself for guidance, insight, reassurance, clarity of insight as they pursue their ways forward. You’re on my radar as an awakening, self-actualizing human being. Good on ya, mate.

  2. Nice corner!
    Read all down to this last post and it’s such a synchrony to me that you’re talking about the spiral…
    Cool pictures, that poem … – those last words till “I promise” … just beauty , the real deal!
    “For as long as it serves us
    serves life
    serves love…”

    And this post … Happy to read it…
    The video cracked me up as in a long time I haven’t !
    Glad I found you.
    All the best and keep up the hard work!

  3. Just discovered your blog tonight. I appreciated your thoughts, especially on sexuality – we are more than our sexual prowess.

  4. Loved the read! Feeling grateful to know someone can speak their “truths” openly. Question. Have many people crossed your path that can do this? Speak openly without doubting themselves? I am asking because this is something I have been eager to find and I feel you might have some insight.

  5. To everyone who has commented here recently – thank you!

    Andrew… wow, what kind words. I read them at a time when I really needed to… thank you again.

    Becky – I have met some people who are truly committed to speaking their truths openly, rare yet they exist. It is a challenging practice to say the least. One that I am working with daily and yet still often shy away from. More and more I have been reflecting that to be human is to be imperfect in many ways. The journey seems to be to love and accept ourselves regardless.

  6. I found your blog through your post, “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do with Looks).” It is a great article and very helpful.
    I also enjoy your thoughts of sexuality in society. I especially like the thought, “All of this is the socialised mind hard at work. When we live in this space of gaining our meaning and purpose from others then what we value is dictated by those around us.” It is sad when something that is supposed to be such a personal connection is turned into an object of judgement.
    I look forward to reading more of your blog!

  7. Hey Angie thanks for writing!
    Stretching beyond the conventions of a socliased mind seems to be what is happening for me in all facets of my experience… sexuality just being one of them.
    I’m constantly amazed by how much room there is to grow as an individual, it seems to be limitless!

  8. I look up to you for sure 🙂 Happy awakenings!

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